New Rules for Hiking, Mountaineering and Protesting

OK now, boys and girls, please pay attention. Circumstances have now necessitated a new set of rules for those among us who continue to choose inappropriate neighborhoods for our hiking, inappropriate seasons for our mountain climbing, and want to be able to protest anywhere in the world like we were at home in the good ol' USA.
1. Sarah Shourd is, as of this writing, in Oman. She has been released by Iran. She was arrested for being in Iran. During a hike. By my rule, she's the last one. From now on, if you decide to hike in Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea or any other such site on God's Green Earth, then we, the sane portion of the American people, will recognize that you have a bizarre need for attention, that you are willing to risk anything-including death-to get that attention, and we will allow you to pursue it. But don't expect anybody to come get you. No diplomats will waste their time and our money, no military excursion will be mounted at the risk of the lives of military personnel. You hike in Iran, your booty belongs to Iran, have a nice day.
Prior to your departure, backpack in hand, for the Persian Gulf, you might consider the Appalachian Trail, the Rocky Mountains, the Sierra Nevadas, or any other number of exquisite places within the bounds of the United States of America, where you will not be arrested by a totalitarian regime, regardless of what Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck say.
2. New rule #2. It is cold in the winter. On tall mountains, at great elevations, it is even colder in the winter. Do not plan your mountain climb in those months. Understand? Every year now, a certain number of geniuses choose to mount their expeditions at precisely the time that will be the most likely to leave them stranded and in peril for their lives. Some of them even include spouse and children in these lame-brained stunts. OK. I guess that's one of those rights to stupidity guaranteed by our great Constitution. But from now on, you're on your own. You go up there in January, you better get your butt back down. Because we will not endanger the life of any fine park ranger, rescue personnel, National Guard member, or full-time military personnel. You want back-up? Make your climb in August. Then, if there is a problem, there will not likely be an avalanche involved in your rescue. Otherwise, it's been nice knowing you. And, again, if you include your kids in one of these cockamamie schemes, they will be taken from you, as you are, by definition, unfit to be around children, and unable to make decisions about their care.
3. Kim Jong Il don't give a rat's booty about your rights. You want to protest, you better do it here. You can go to Lafayette Park and march your hiney off. You can make a sign and hold it on Wall Street. You can cry out your message from most any street corner in America. But North Korea and some of those other fine countries listed above, well, they don't want to hear it. And if you try to bully your way into their little piece of heaven, you're going to jail. For a very long and hard time. And now, by rule, you're on your own. We will no longer ask the (nearly) 86 year old former President Jimmy Carter to travel to the other side of the world to bail your stupid ass out of a mess of your own creation. Doesn't an 86 year old Nobel Prize winner have better things to do than apologize to a bunch of wingnuts to bail you out for being stupid? Don't want to be in a North Korean jail? Don't go to North Korea. Stand in front of our Capitol, make a great big sign, scream your head off about the injustices of their way of doing business. But stay the heck out of their territory. Because they will flush you and never remember having been in the bathroom.
These few rule changes will encourage a handful of our countrywomen and men to make more informed and much more intelligent decisions about their behavior in the world, and you're welcome! Glad to be able to help.
And check back in a couple of days for the new rules that will govern those who choose to interact inappropriately with wild animals. Got some changes coming there, too.