Wouldn't want to leave you hanging on something as significant as the End of the World. Harold Camping took to the airwaves tonight to explain himself, or God, or something. In laying out why Crapture didn't happen Saturday, Camping made like John Cleese in the classic Argument Clinic sketch: he simply said it DID happen! Only, instead of the spectacular fireworks, blood and gore show that this brand of bitter bigot aches for, God decided to simply use May 21 for a quiet, Dean Wormer-like double-secret Judgement Day. Kind of like the subdued way that the Oscars make their nominations at a breakfast in February before putting on the big, fabulous shindig with blood-red carpets and borrowed jewels in March/April. So, the prophet clued us in tonight that the Big Show is actually going to be October 21.
In a totally related note, the AP reports that "In 2009, the nonprofit Family Radio reported in IRS filings that it received $18.3 million in donations, and had assets of more than $104 million, including $34 million in stocks or other publicly traded securities.
Nice little nest egg for eternity, no? But that's ok, since all those marks who gave it won't be needing their kids' college funds, their retirement savings or home downpayments once God gets done smoting and all. Just one question: how much does an 89 year old guy need to steal to feel secure? You know, for his Golden Years. On Earth.
Monday, May 23, 2011
This Just In: God's Testing You!
Twice-revealed fraud Harold Camping has notified a desperately waiting world that he will have something to say on tonight's Family Radio International (whatever the hell that is) broadcast. Which will be remarkable, as he hasn't had anything to say yet. According to the Associated Press, Camping's underlings are attributing the non-Rapture to God playing tricks. That's understandable, as God has always been known for practical joking. Just look up the whole "Abraham and Isaac build an altar" joke in Genesis.
"Family Radio's special projects coordinator, Michael Garcia, said he believed the delay was God's way of separating true believers from those willing to doubt what he said were clear biblical warnings. 'Maybe this had to happen for there to be a separation between those who have faith and those who don't," he said. "It's highly possible that our Lord is delaying his coming.'"
Garcia, apparently the person in charge of Rapture-related activities for Family Radio, obviously sees God jerking around the merely semi-rapture prepared whackos. For those without the secret decoder ring to understand these con artists, this means that they still believe there is some money to wring out of the weak-minded, desperate and despondent in the world. Saturday's lack-of-rapture stories included a "mystified" New York retiree who had sunk his entire life savings of $141,000 into Family Radio to "publicize" the Crapture dreamed up by Camping and/or others who should be imprisoned for defrauding the defenseless stupid of the country and perhaps world.
So, to wrap-up and review:
Harold Camping: multiple defrauder
Michael Garcia, et al: accomplices
God: practical joking jerk
Followers of Camping: too gullible for words, probably deserving their losses, and, apparently, headed for round three of bogus rapture predictions after tonight's broadcast.
Good night, and good luck!
"Family Radio's special projects coordinator, Michael Garcia, said he believed the delay was God's way of separating true believers from those willing to doubt what he said were clear biblical warnings. 'Maybe this had to happen for there to be a separation between those who have faith and those who don't," he said. "It's highly possible that our Lord is delaying his coming.'"
Garcia, apparently the person in charge of Rapture-related activities for Family Radio, obviously sees God jerking around the merely semi-rapture prepared whackos. For those without the secret decoder ring to understand these con artists, this means that they still believe there is some money to wring out of the weak-minded, desperate and despondent in the world. Saturday's lack-of-rapture stories included a "mystified" New York retiree who had sunk his entire life savings of $141,000 into Family Radio to "publicize" the Crapture dreamed up by Camping and/or others who should be imprisoned for defrauding the defenseless stupid of the country and perhaps world.
So, to wrap-up and review:
Harold Camping: multiple defrauder
Michael Garcia, et al: accomplices
God: practical joking jerk
Followers of Camping: too gullible for words, probably deserving their losses, and, apparently, headed for round three of bogus rapture predictions after tonight's broadcast.
Good night, and good luck!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Alright, Already; One on the Crapture
First off, this isn't biblical. It's the invention of those whackjobs who invented fundamentalism in the late 19th/early 20th century.
Second, let's see: it's based on a code found in Harold Camping's tea leaves or poop, I'm not sure which. I used to be pretty good at these cyphers: we'll take what we know:
H A R O L D C A M P I N G A P R O F E C Y
Ok, drop the H 'cause it starts Hitler, and Hitler's bad.
Drop the M 'cause it starts Man and God hates Man, just like the Bible says.
Drop the I 'cause there's no I in team. Or Rapture.
Drop the N 'cause it starts Nazis, and there's Hitler again.
Drop the G 'cause you're headed for the Gates of Hell!
Drop a P 'cause it starts both parts of Pontius Pilate, and you know about him.
Drop an R 'cause of Regis Philbin.
Drop the E 'cause of Elvis, of course; 'nuf said!
Drop a C 'cause the Catholics aren't invited.
And drop the Y 'cause Camping's 89, and wants all Young People off his lawn.
That leaves:
A R O L D C A P A O F
Rearrange those letters, and you get: A LOAD OF CRAP, which is precisely what this whole thing is!
ps. I know how to spell prophecy, but it served my purposes to misspell it, and under fundamentalist rules, it's always ok to do whatever serves your own purposes.
Second, let's see: it's based on a code found in Harold Camping's tea leaves or poop, I'm not sure which. I used to be pretty good at these cyphers: we'll take what we know:
H A R O L D C A M P I N G A P R O F E C Y
Ok, drop the H 'cause it starts Hitler, and Hitler's bad.
Drop the M 'cause it starts Man and God hates Man, just like the Bible says.
Drop the I 'cause there's no I in team. Or Rapture.
Drop the N 'cause it starts Nazis, and there's Hitler again.
Drop the G 'cause you're headed for the Gates of Hell!
Drop a P 'cause it starts both parts of Pontius Pilate, and you know about him.
Drop an R 'cause of Regis Philbin.
Drop the E 'cause of Elvis, of course; 'nuf said!
Drop a C 'cause the Catholics aren't invited.
And drop the Y 'cause Camping's 89, and wants all Young People off his lawn.
That leaves:
A R O L D C A P A O F
Rearrange those letters, and you get: A LOAD OF CRAP, which is precisely what this whole thing is!
ps. I know how to spell prophecy, but it served my purposes to misspell it, and under fundamentalist rules, it's always ok to do whatever serves your own purposes.
Monday, May 02, 2011
A Dose of Reality, A Pinch of Honesty
I do not believe in the death penalty. I am not troubled in the least by the splendid performance of our Navy Seals, or the decision by the Commander-in-Chief to send them into action, to excuse Osama bin Laden from the planet. I preach the Bible that says that God wants to save and not condemn. Bin Laden, directly responsible for the deaths of some 3,000 people in the 9/11 attacks and indirectly responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands via his provocation (arguable) for at least two wars, had to go. We are a nation of law that seeks justice. We had no intention of arresting bin Laden and experiencing another trial like that of Saddam Hussein. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. I cried, applauded, cheered and sang along with those in Washington and New York last night when the President made the announcement of bin Laden's killing. We will not elect a President who cannot convincingly parrot the broad, general tenets of the Christian faith. That President will not be reelected (Jimmy Carter) if he (so far) cannot lay aside that faith in the snap of the fingers. The Vatican announced today that there should be no delight in the death of any person. Too bad they couldn't figure out over the last forever that there should be no delight in or protection for child molesters.
Life is not fair. It too often makes no sense. The rules can protect the incompetent, the criminal, the evil. And an awful lot of the time they do. But this time, things are different. The bastard is dead. I'm delighted.
Life is paradoxical. Faith is often inconvenient, and therefore set aside. I know of no one who is consistent in every instance. Walt Whitman said, "Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself."
Such is life.
Life is not fair. It too often makes no sense. The rules can protect the incompetent, the criminal, the evil. And an awful lot of the time they do. But this time, things are different. The bastard is dead. I'm delighted.
Life is paradoxical. Faith is often inconvenient, and therefore set aside. I know of no one who is consistent in every instance. Walt Whitman said, "Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself."
Such is life.
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