Things I Have Learned: It Isn't Always Someone Else

On August 16, 2016, my older daughter checked into a heroin detox center. I hadn't known exactly what was wrong, but anyone who had seen her during her four or five year deterioration knew that something was bad wrong, and it had taken a very ugly turn over the six months before that day almost two years ago.
She spent her time in that detox unit, then moved to a half-way house here in Memphis. Shortly afterward, she was thrown out for breaking the rules.
That began a succession of relapses, detoxes, half-way houses, and repeatedly getting thrown out of the various places that continues, off and on, to this day.
She has been involved for several years with a man who has multiple drug arrests, and multiple domestic violence arrests. She refuses to deal with that situation honestly, just as she does her addiction issue.
She has been in a facility in Jackson or the last few weeks. I don't know why Jackson. People in the family have been convinced, yet again, that she had changed her direction and found a better way to get through life.
I learned today that she is no longer at that facility. She has been gone for a week. They don't know anything about where she is. Neither does anyone in my family, or her mother's family.
Shannon's son and my younger daughter are what every parent hopes for: both college graduates, both gainfully employed, both in solid, strong relationships that nourish their souls.
My older daughter is living every parent's nightmare. Unless it has happened to someone you love, you cannot imagine what this thing is. I want her to get well. I want her to care for herself. I want her to have a life. I want her to be the mother that she has never been to her little girl, my granddaughter. 
I want her to be alive. The only thing that she has said to me in the last 10 years that I know to be factually true is that "I'm over 18, and you can't make me" anything. I can't fix this for her. We can't fix this for her.
Unfortunately, when a person is in this circumstance, it doesn't matter what anyone else wants. Until my daughter wants those things, none of them are going to happen.
I can only hope that she wants them before she can't want them any more.
We are as well as we can be. Having lived with this for what seems like an eternity, we've moved through all of the stuff you go through. I have learned that it is not my fault. The accomplishments of the other two kids make a pretty strong argument that we haven't been complete disasters as parents (and when I say "we," I, of course, mean "I.") I have learned, the hard way, that if I let it, it will kill me. I have decided to not let it. 
We are taking care of our granddaughter. We expect that at some point fairly soon, she will, legally, become our daughter. We are committed to her and her well-being. She continues to deal remarkably well with the circumstances. She has seen her father (who also has multiple drug arrests) twice that she remembers, both times at the Christmas when she was 4, when her mother took her to see him as they visited family in the town where he then lived. She has spent very little time with her mother since...well, since she was born. But my family and the ex-wife's family have combined to see that she feels secure, loved, and knows her place among us and in the world.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. I don't have any particular interest in any sympathy. I don't mean that to be ugly. I am grateful for the friends I have in this world. But an awful lot of people are dealing with this same thing, or other things that are just as painful to them. I suppose that it helps just to say some of this out loud. I'm not ashamed of it. I honestly don't think I did it. I'm not ashamed of her, for that matter. I am disappointed. I am angry. I am frustrated. That's being a daddy who has a sick kid. But I have too much to do in taking care of my granddaughter to sit and stew constantly over all of it any more.
I hope, I genuinely, sincerely hope, that you never have to go through this with one of your children. But if you think your family is immune, you should rethink how you see the world.